Space: The last vestige of manhood. We imagine cosmonauts and the like to spend their days eating giant bowls of nachos, unabashedly beefing in enclosed spaces, and crotch scratching to their heart's content. 

That big black vacuum is every astronaut's proverbial fortress of solitude. While out there, no one can tell him to take out the garbage. No one can tell him to change the channel to Gilmore Girls real quick, or ask them if they think they look more or less hefty in that purple striped dress with the dumb silky lace sleeves. Hello! You've had that thing since high school! 

Back on topic, it is only up there, from the celestial cosmos, that spacemen can fully appreciate the super-sized magazine cover peep show Eva Longoria is putting on for astronaut eyes only. And for the eyes of anyone in a passing aeroplane. And anyone generally considered very tall.

Now, we're intelligent people - we know that anything written in tabloid magazines should be taken with a pinch of sal... Holy crap! It says here in NW magazine that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up!

Could this be true? Has Brad Pitt walked out on Angelina Jolie mere weeks before their baby is born? Is Brad Pitt going to leave Angelina Jolie to raise their baby single-handedly? Will Jennifer Aniston maintain her vow of silence now that she knows things are rocky between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? How many more times can we mention Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in this paragraph? And, more importantly, does anyone actually care about any of this stuff?

There's a new series of The Simple Life on the way, right? That means that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have put their feuding behind them, right? Not a chance - Paris has been busy publicly dissing Nicole.

Paris Hilton has said in a magazine interview that Nicole Richie is "pathetic" and "jealous". Of course, we realise that there's every chance that this is all one big stunt orchestrated by Paris Hilton designed to get people watching the new series of The Simple Life. But, hey, you take what you can get, right?

One of the best things about selling millions of books is that you can use your newly-gained power to amplify any ambient thoughts floating through your head. Like JK Rowling moaning about models.

JK Rowling - creator of the Harry Potter franchise and single richest human being that has ever lived - has taken time out from sitting around in her ruby-encrusted mansion trying to think up the most disgusting way to kill Harry Potter to slag off skinny models in a weird, long rant on her website.

We don't know about you, but there's nothing we like more than to forcefully try to kiss waitresses and then, once we're rejected, try to strangle them while shouting swearwords into their faces.

Of course, that's a lie - we much prefer doing that to air stewardesses rather than waitresses - but that's what Hank Williams Jr apparently did at the end of last month. And now Hank Williams Jr has been arrested for assault over the incident.

You may remember that Jessica Alba and Playboy magazine had something of a lover's tiff last month when Playboy said that Jessica Alba was sexy, but Jessica Alba didn't want her picture on the cover.

Well, now everything is fine and dandy between Playboy and Jessica Alba once more - Playboy has apologised to Jessica Alba, and Jessica isn't going to sue the magazine's rabbit-eared ass to high heaven any more. And what is the reason for the Playboy/Jessica Alba truce? Why, none other than sleazy old man entrepreneur Hugh Hefner, who stepped in to smooth things over.

It takes a lot for Jennifer Aniston to surprise us, but that's exactly what she did when she was questioned on TV about a rumoured wedding to Vince Vaughn - Jennifer Aniston kept completely silent.

You heard that right - when questioned about her private life, Jennifer Aniston didn't launch into a lengthy rant about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Bermuda Triangles and sunsets and screaming at the sea - Jennifer Aniston didn't say a single word. So that means that Jennifer Aniston is getting married to Vince Vaughn. Or she isn't. Or something.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie news stories are like buses - you wait weeks for one and then two come along at once. And Brad Pitt gets all angry if you don't have the correct change, or something.

Anyway, Pitt/Jolie story number one is that Angelina Jolie wants to have her baby in Africa. Namibia, in fact. And Pitt/Jolie story number two is that Brad Pitt hates Paris and can't wait to bugger off somewhere else. Like Africa, probably.

Russell Crowe is a certifiable rebel. He doesn't play by your rules, man - the rules that say not to lob phones into people's faces or smoke cigarettes onstage inside in New Zealand during a concert.

According to reports, Russell Crowe performed some concerts with his new band The Ordinary Fear Of God in New Zealand last year, but enraged locals after breaking strict no smoking rules by puffing away on cigarettes for much of the shows. Enraged? Frankly, anything that cuts down on the time that Russell Crowe actually spends singing is just peachy with us.

To most people, a pen pal is an awkward 14-year-old French boy with a bumfluff moustache and a disturbing obsession with Pat Benatar. To Pamela Anderson, though, a pen pal is Steven Harper.

Pamela Anderson already wrote to Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper asking to meet him in order to discuss the controversial Canadian seal hunt. But Harper wasn't interested - we hear he was always much more of a Gina Lee Nolan fan - and now Pamela Anderson is angry. Crazy angry. How angry is Pamela Anderson? Angry enough to write a strongly-worded letter, that's how flipping angry.