When Nicolas Cage makes a film, you're never sure if you'll get the intelligent, quirky, Nicolas Cage or the rubbish action film Nicolas Cage. 50 Cent, on the other hand, has only ever made crap films.

So the news that Nicolas Cage and 50 Cent are teaming up to star in a film together called The Dance has left us unsure of whether the movie will be 50% arse or 100% arse. For simplicity's sake, let's just say The Dance will be 75% arse and be done with it.

When Tom Cruise promotes a movie, the world sits up and takes notice. And then scratches its head before laughing hysterically. But Tom Cruise has shown that it's not all fun and games and silent births.

Perhaps knowing that every move from his tiny megalomaniac body prompts a round of amused bewilderment, Tom Cruise has changed strategy for the promotion of Mission: Impossible III by discussing something that nobody in their right mind would mock - Tom Cruise has revealed that he had an abusive father and was bullied by his schoolmates.

Well, it worked for Teri Hatcher.

Jessica Simpson is famous despite not being conventionally talented. When Jessica Simpson sings, birds fall from the trees dead; and when Jessica Simpson acts, the trees uproot themselves and run away.

But there is one role that Jessica Simpson was born to play, and it looks like she'll be getting the chance to do just that very soon. You guessed it - it's been reported that Jessica Simpson is going to be starring in a new Baywatch movie.

Russell Crowe is a certifiable rebel. He doesn't play by your rules, man - the rules that say not to lob phones into people's faces or smoke cigarettes onstage inside in New Zealand during a concert.

According to reports, Russell Crowe performed some concerts with his new band The Ordinary Fear Of God in New Zealand last year, but enraged locals after breaking strict no smoking rules by puffing away on cigarettes for much of the shows. Enraged? Frankly, anything that cuts down on the time that Russell Crowe actually spends singing is just peachy with us.

We'll give this to Tom Cruise - he always has something interesting to talk about. For instance, the Tom Cruise promotional plan for Mission: Impossible III is to tell everyone how pregnant Katie Holmes is.

According to a recent interview on German TV, Tom Cruise says that Katie Holmes "could be having our baby at any minute," and that "If Katie calls, I'm gone."

Well, someone has to enforce the 'silence during childbirth' rule.

Ice Age: The Meltdown was always going to do well at the US weekend box office. For a start, Ice Age: The Meltdown stars the voice of that interminable Everybody Loves Raymond bloke, and Americans love that.

Secondly, we can assume that Ice Age: The Meltdown is sitting at the top of the US weekend box office because huge swathes of people left showings of the original Ice Age movie with a number of questions in their head. Questions like "Why do they keep showing Ice Age on ITV all the sodding time?" and  "The sequel can't be any worse than this, can it?" And lo, US weekend box office glory was theirs.

Usually, a movie version of a TV show deserves sighs, not cheers. That's because they're usually full of Jessica Simpson trying not to look confused as entire sentences pour out of her gormless head.

But, just this once, we're actually looking forward to a movie version of a TV show. And that's because the TV show is The Simpsons. According to promotional clips that went before Ice Age 2 at the weekend, the long-mooted Simpsons movie will hit our cinema screens in July 2007. So long as the producers remember not to make it a live-action Simpsons movie starring Johnny Knoxville, we'll all be OK...

One - as yet unfounded - rumour about why the repeat of the South Park Scientology episode was never aired was that Tom Cruise threatened to stop doing Mission: Impossible III promotion if it was shown.

If it's true, Tom Cruise should have just lightened up and let the episode be shown. Because, even without any trademark Tom Cruise promotional tomfoolery, Mission: Impossible III would have got plenty of promotion from the stuntman who is suing Tom Cruise's production company C/W, Paramount and various Mission: Impossible III crew after a stunt went wrong and burnt 60% of his body.

Anyone thinking that the Brokeback Mountain awards Juggernaut had juddered to a halt after the losing out to Crash at the Oscars is wrong - Brokeback Mountain just won a GLAAD award.

You know GLAAD - the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. It had its annual Media Awards on Monday, and presented the award for Outstanding Motion Picture In Wide Release to Brokeback Mountain, which beat other gay-themed movies like Capote, Rent and the bits with the hilarious transsexuals from The Longest Yard.

Tom Hanks has done it all; he's played astronauts, policemen, desert island survivors and - memorably in The Man With One Red Shoe - a man with one red shoe. But now Tom Hanks faces his toughest challenge - coffee.

Because, fresh from boring the living balls off the world with his strangely-haired turn in The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks is going to produce and star in another book adaptation, a film called How Starbucks Saved My Life, all about a man with one red shoe. Or how Starbucks saved some guy's life. One or the other.