Pete Doherty ‘As Good As John Lennon’
Filed in in Music

Pete_doherty_kate_moss_rehab_5 Pasty-faced waste of flesh Pete Doherty has mounted the lunacy highway afresh after comparing himself to jovial dead Beatle John Lennon.

Speaking to a group of reporters after a show at an Austrian Porn Club – my, a porn club, that’s so unconventional and daring that hecklerspray fears our heads may explode – Pete Doherty took time out from his musically-illiterate schedule to announce the comparison. He babbled:

"The new Lennon — I like that. Honestly, I am the most important rock star now."

Eminem And Wife Divorcing Already
Filed in in Music

Eminem_kim_married_2 hecklerspray is 1/4 gypsy. Our grandmother on our maternal side was never seen without a colourful pirate-like neckerchief on her scalp and a solitary giant hoop earring hanging down one side of her head or the other.

The reason we bring this up is because we've obviously inherited some of her gypsy powers - more specifically, asking strangers for bites of their sandwich and fortune telling. There are a couple predictions we've made that haven't happened yet, like: Katie Holmes will push for a Dawson's Creek reunion once her and Cruise split, and Bin Laden's going to surprise everyone in 2013 by declaring himself the very personification of Hare Krishna, whatever that means.

One of our prediction, though, has already come true. Eminem is filing for divorce from his ex-ex-wife Kim, making her his soon to be ex-ex-ex wife. Eminem and Kim were married for three months. Love is so confusing.

Britney Spears Hires Dwarf Cake Presenters
Filed in in Music

Britney_spears_sometimes_2 Dwarves are awesome no matter what type you prefer. On the one hand they're expert at killing stuff with axes, on the other hand they're very short and wondrous to behold.

We're the first to admit everything we've learned about dwarves we learned from the sick kaleidoscope that is Hollywood cinema. What we know for sure is they have laser eyes, want to restore their dark kingdom, are extremely adapt at mining, digging underground, and getting jobs serving comparably giant platters of cake at birthday parties thrown by Britney Spears.

They probably have to get new jobs like that, since underground gems are such a dying fancy.

Suge Knight Declares Himself Bankrupt
Filed in in Music

Suge_knight_death_row_receivership_1 Music mogul and all round man-mountain Suge Knight has been staring the death of his Death Row records right in the kisser, and now he has taken a big step to save it - Suge has declared himself bankrupt.

Suge Knight bankrupt? Frankly, we're fearful for Suge - although Death Row records has something more of a secure future after filing for bankruptcy protection, we'd imagine that the minimum daily amount of food that Suge Knight needs to consume in order to not fall over and die runs to several thousands of dollars - and where's that money going to come from now?

Watch The King Biscuit Time Kwangchow Video Now
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King_biscuit_time_kwangchow_video You know how brilliant The Beta Band were? And how even in the middle of Monolith you'd still find something to love? And then how you went off The Beta Band when you realised that Assessment sounded a bit like U2?

Well, guess what? Steve Mason from The Beta Band has stumbled out of the wreckage as King Biscuit Time, and in Kwangchow has delivered the best thing he's done for five years. Kwangchow by King Biscuit Time is full of everything you deserve from a Steve Mason single: monky vocals, baggy drums and a life-affirming "we are alive," chorus that's like Dry The Rain times a million. We like.

And we've got the King Biscuit Time Kwangchow video for you right here - it's full of all kinds of stuff we can't decipher. Scooters, leather hats, unenthusiastic boxing... we're sure it means something, but we don't know what.

Kwangchow is a small region in Southern China, by the way. Buggered if we know why it's also the title of a King Biscuit Time single.

Watch the King Biscuit Time Kwangchow video now

Downright Dynamite Downloads Of The Week: Johnny Clegg & Juluka, Sufjan Stevens, Hopewell...
Filed in in Music

Dynamite_downloads_eels Back in the day music wasn't quite as accessible as it is today. Sure, maybe it was good and all, but you could only take it with you if you fought and conquered a bard, and bards can be deadly in combat. We know because our office assistant had words with one 90 minutes ago, rest her eighty-year-old soul.

But today, music is everywhere, especially right here! These are the tracks we recommend you hunt, catch and hear anyway you can - the good of the world depends on it. We're recommending titles from - Hopewell, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Tailgunner, Eels, Sufjan Stevens, and Johnny Clegg & Juluka. Click below for specifics.

Russell Crowe Smokes His Way Into Trouble

Russell_crowe_charges_1 Russell Crowe is a certifiable rebel. He doesn't play by your rules, man - the rules that say not to lob phones into people's faces or smoke cigarettes onstage inside in New Zealand during a concert.

According to reports, Russell Crowe performed some concerts with his new band The Ordinary Fear Of God in New Zealand last year, but enraged locals after breaking strict no smoking rules by puffing away on cigarettes for much of the shows. Enraged? Frankly, anything that cuts down on the time that Russell Crowe actually spends singing is just peachy with us.

Madonna To Hobble Round The Planet In New World Tour
Filed in in Music

Madonna_kabbalah_nazi_1 Time for the dressmakers of the world to prepare their obscene leotards - Madonna is going on a world tour. This means that fans in several countries can see the outline of Madonna's labia in real life!

We don't know about you, but we can't wait for the Madonna world tour - because we're making a list of must-do things and the 'paying more money than is really sensible to see a 47-year-old woman dress like a teenager and sing disappointing new songs' entry has been left so far unchecked.

Suge Knight Skips Court, Could Lose Death Row Records
Filed in in Music

Suge_knight_death_row_receivership Suge Knight is a man who seems fond of getting into trouble. He's been in and out of prison on several occasions, and now - after skipping a court date - it looks as if Suge Knight could lose Death Row records.

Suge Knight was due in court on Saturday to answer questions about his assets. But the big guy didn't turn up, meaning that there's now a good chance that Death Row could go into receivership. Death Row is the record label that gave the world Snoop Dogg and Tupac Shakur so - indirectly, at least - it is also responsible for The Snooperbowl and that dreadful Elton John song from last year. Make your own minds up about whether the loss of Death Row is a good idea or not.

Rolling Stones Too Old, Says 39-Year-Old Noel Gallagher
Filed in in Music

Noel_gallagher_rolling_stones The definition of psychological projection is: "when someone is threatened by, or afraid of, their own impulses so they attribute these impulses to someone else," which sets this story up rather nicely.

Noel Gallagher, monobrowed 1990s indie rockstar, has lashed out at The Rolling Stones for not understanding that their recent albums aren't as good as the ones released when they were in their prime. That's Noel Gallagher - author of one decent album from 12 years ago; Noel Gallagher who threw a shitty fit when Don't Believe The Truth wasn't nominated for Best Album at the Brits - worrying about old bands.

Do you want to tell him, or should we?