Paris Hilton Still Not Pals With Nicole Richie

Paris_hilton_album_three_6_mafia1 There's a new series of The Simple Life on the way, right? That means that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have put their feuding behind them, right? Not a chance - Paris has been busy publicly dissing Nicole.

Paris Hilton has said in a magazine interview that Nicole Richie is "pathetic" and "jealous". Of course, we realise that there's every chance that this is all one big stunt orchestrated by Paris Hilton designed to get people watching the new series of The Simple Life. But, hey, you take what you can get, right?

Miss America Gets The Reality TV Treatment
Filed in in Television

Miss_america_reality_tv One day, everything in life will have a reality TV element. You won't even be able to withdraw money from an ATM without getting a sneering put-down from a smug man and a nationwide text vote first.

The latest format to get the reality TV treatment is Miss America, although why anyone needs a new reality TV show full of beaming, incomprehensible, batshit women giggling and being ferociously vague about everything when they've already got Paula Abdul on American Idol is anyone's guess.

Jessica Alba's Monkey Spit Swap
Filed in in Television

Jessica_alba_girlfriend_1 Jessica Alba is beautiful and quite famous. That kind of celebrity combination comes with perks that most dare not even dream of. She can turn invisible (but not for pictures that Playboy wants to publish) and she starred in her own less than good Fox superhero TV show. There is no down side.

On top of that, a semi-recent survey showed her fame had her right at the top of 2.5 million men's  lust-ometers - 2.5 million men would like to call her baby and then give her one - 2.5 million. Most of them are probably acne-scarred basement dwellers, but still, a girl's gotta like that kind of attention. So what does she choose to do with her immense level of fame? Make out with a monkey - a big fat hairy lipped banana grubbing monkey.

Suddenly those millions of men are gluing brown shag carpet to their quivering bodies hoping it'll look good enough to trick... actually, we'll be right back.

The Simpsons Movie Is Coming! The Simpsons Movie Is Coming!
Filed in in Film, Television

The_simpsons_movie Usually, a movie version of a TV show deserves sighs, not cheers. That's because they're usually full of Jessica Simpson trying not to look confused as entire sentences pour out of her gormless head.

But, just this once, we're actually looking forward to a movie version of a TV show. And that's because the TV show is The Simpsons. According to promotional clips that went before Ice Age 2 at the weekend, the long-mooted Simpsons movie will hit our cinema screens in July 2007. So long as the producers remember not to make it a live-action Simpsons movie starring Johnny Knoxville, we'll all be OK...

Arrested Development's Unknown Fate Causes Unrest In The Middle East. Religion Does Too.
Filed in in Television

Arrested_development_dropped_1 If you listen really closely you can hear a very heavy woman singing - and it's the world's saddest song at that. The lyrics are about a TV show's untimely demise. It's an awkward song though, as she thinks time-tested dishevelment rhymes with Arrested Development.

When Fox studios announced they were stunting the third season of Arrested Development, the poop hit the fan. A big part of that fan hitting were fans sending tons of petitions and tear stained bananas to the rude gusses down at Fox, hoping it would be enough to stay their hand  It wasn't.

Then came the rumours that ABC and Showtime were gonna duke it out over the much loved series.  ABC though, seems to have just had a passing fancy, as their bid quickly faded to nothing. Then there were the most recent rumours that Arrested Development on Showtime was a definite go, and they'd all but inked the deal for two more full seasons and the option for a third.   

Those rumours were false, as Arrested Development's creator Mitch Hurwitz has announced he'd not be returning. Dab your tears people, dab your tears.

Simon Cowell Wants To Find Talented Americans
Filed in in Television

Simon_cowell_american_idol_2009_2 Simon Cowell is like a spluttering ideas factory. He's invented Pop Idol, American Idol and ripped them off for X Factor, ripped off Dragons Den for American Inventor and now he's ripping off New Faces.

Because Simon Cowell has just launched America's Got Talent, a broad TV talent show. The good news is that there's a $1 million prize up for grabs on America's Got Talent. The bad news is that Simon Cowell won't be a judge on America's Got Talent, so we'll have to sit on all those jokes about wearing trousers high up around your nipples that we stayed up all last night thinking up.

Desperate Housewives To Become Ill-Advised PC Game
Filed in in Games, Television

Marcia_cross_hair_desperate_housewives_1 Desperate Housewives is the TV show that everyone is talking about - and by 'everyone' we means 'about three people who work for magazines and make their living telling everyone what to think.'

But soon, Desperate Housewives won't be the TV show that everyone is talking about - Desperate Housewives will be the PC game that everyone is talking about. Because some bright spark has decided that the world can't live without a Desperate Housewives computer game. Weird - we didn't think that the sort of people that watched Desperate Housewives would be the same sort of people who played computer games all the time.

eBay Removes Dummy Blue Peter Badges

Blue_peter_badge_ebay The world is an evil place. There are plenty of things to worry about: men rampaging through streets with guns, endless suicide attacks, people selling phony Blue Peter badges on the Internet.

You read that right - some unscrupulous sellers have been hawking dummy Blue Peter badges on eBay, claiming that Blue Peter badge-wearers can gain entry into more than 100 public attractions. The bastards - don't they know that Blue Peter badges are just for geeky friendless youngsters and nobody else?

South Park - Chef Gets Mauled To Death
Filed in in Television

So last night saw The Return Of Chef!, the first episode in the new series of South Park. Not only that, it was the first new episode of South Park since Isaac Hayes decided not to be Chef any more.

As you may have heard, Isaac Hayes may have left South Park because he hated the religious bigotry contained in the South Park scripts, or maybe because he threw a big Scientology hissy fit after the South Park Trapped In The Closet episode, or maybe he had a stroke and an unknown force quit for him. Maybe we'll never know.

But, whatever happened, the premiere of the South Park The Return Of Chef! episode debuted on Comedy Central last night. We won't spoil the plot of The Return Of Chef! for you but, needless to say, Chef - who only seems to talk in weird second-hand sentences for the episode - bites it at the end. And thanks to the wonders of YouTube, we've got Chef's final South Park scenes right here for your viewing delectation.

Don't say we never give you anything...

Nicole Richie Hits On 11-Year-Old Boy

Nicole_richie_lionel_stressed_1 The Simple Life has been away from our screens for too long - it seems like ages since we last saw Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie slur and stagger and  be professionally crap at everything they do.

But now a new series of The Simple Life is being made, and not without incident. Nicole Richie is reported to have stopped an 11-year-old boy on his driveway and asked him in graphic terms if he found her attractive. We're not sure what the answer to Nicole Richie's question was, but we're fairly certain that it created the standard Simple Life response of a raised eyebrow accompanied by a slightly confused-sounding redneck violin noise.